Thanks for all the love we got from the previous post. This time, we’re going deeper into the grim darkness of the 41st millennium to talk about some of the Xenos races that don’t get nearly as much attention as they deserve.
Orks
Well, these ones are dumber than a rock, and they’re followed by a superior power granted by the writer. Let’s talk about the ones who prefer shouting WAAAGH! instead of writing five essays about a casus belli. They have more in common with goats smashing their heads against each other than with any other living being. The descendants of a superior race from the past somehow survived long enough to become progressively dumber. Maybe they discovered brainrot. Maybe getting dumber every generation is actually our future too.
They’re lovers of war, violence, and basically anything that can be solved by hitting it harder. And after you finish reading this, you’ll understand why. First of all, we have one of the most famous aspects of Ork technology: the power of imagination. It’s the kind of imagination we all thought we had when we were kids, thinking technology worked because of magic, colours, or tiny living creatures inside the machinery. For the Orks, that idea becomes something much more complicated because of the Waaagh! psychic field.
If many Orks share the same belief about a concept or object, that belief can have real effects. The classic example is red vehicles: if Orks believe red makes things go faster, then red vehicles actually tend to be faster. So, obviously, when you find a car, the first logical step is to paint it red because red gives you a +5 to speed in your skill tree. You don’t have an engine? Don’t worry. Just write BRRRRUM BRUM on a rock, throw away the engine, replace it with the rock, and you’ve got the best engine anyone could possibly imagine. This is completely overpowered, but Warhammer isn’t exactly known for having regularly balanced creatures.
Because when you look at the Orks, the first question should be: How the hell did a race with the collective brainpower of a wet sock survive extinction? The answer is surprisingly simple: they trade their teeth for weapons. But that’s only the beginning. Orks aren’t normal animals; they’re basically a mixture of fungus and animal, and their entire biology is designed around surviving, spreading and making more Orks.
Then we have Squigs, basically the biological equivalent of having a toolbox that someone accidentally turned into an ecosystem. They’re food, pets, mounts, weapons and transportation. They can basically fill whatever role the Orks need. You want something that works like a horse? Squig. Something like an elephant for going through the Alps? Call Hannibal Barca—but yeah, Squigs can do an elephant’s job too. Something to eat? Squig. Something to bite your enemy’s face off? Also Squig. They’re basically the Ork answer to every technological problem: «Why invent a machine when we can find a sufficiently angry animal?».
Squigs
And if that’s not enough, we need to talk about reproduction. Orks are, biologically speaking, much closer to fungi than humans are. They reproduce through spores, and when an Ork dies, its body contributes to the environment by releasing more spores. So killing an Ork doesn’t necessarily solve the problem. You kill them, they reproduce. You don’t want to fight them? They don’t care. You destroy their settlement? There will be another one. You wipe out the army? Congratulations, you’ve fertilised the battlefield.
Their biology also gives them one of their most underrated advantages: knowledge is basically built into them. Orks don’t need to discover everything from scratch. Their species carries instinctive knowledge that allows specialised Orks to become Mekboyz, Painboyz, Weirdboyz and all sorts of other wonderfully stupid professions. They might not understand science in the way humans do, but they don’t necessarily need to. They just know that certain things work.
And that’s why their technology is so weird. The lack of conventional scientific knowledge should make their technology useless. Instead, you get Orks putting together two rocks, a stick, some scrap metal and what appears to be chewing gum and somehow producing a weapon that can kill you. Their collective imagination and psychic power can reinforce their technology, their beliefs and even aspects of reality. Of course, this is where the writers have to put some limits on the concept, because otherwise an Ork could look at a rock and say «Dis is a black hole gun» and suddenly the Imperium has a very serious problem.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/tohamina
So the Orks are simultaneously one of the stupidest and most dangerous races in the entire setting. They don’t need to be efficient, rational or even understand why their technology works. They just need enough Orks to believe it works, enough Mekboyz to smash some things together, enough Squigs to solve whatever biological problem appears, and enough spores to make sure that killing them never really gets rid of them.
Orks don’t survive despite being idiots. They survive because their entire biology, culture and psychic nature are built around making sure that being an idiot doesn’t stop them from conquering the galaxy.
Sslyth
Disclaimer we will do a lot of snake jokes(spoiler I didn’t do any joke of snakes) because you get «ssssss» sound is funny and that type of jokes you laugh when your father/Mother or both left you because they prefered having a york shire than a Warhammer 40 K fan .
https://warhammer40k.fandom.com/es/wiki/Ssliz
Okay you are a Drukhari (Aeldari Faction) searching mercenaries for hiring them as bodyguards for longering your life span breeding slaanesh with blood and fear tears from your enemies , you enjoy so much those faces that being feared is kind of a kink to choose rather than love and admiration . And after years searching you found the most badass entity , a lizard with snake body and 2 pairs of arms for having 4 guns . And the complete stereotype of what a snake should be as a personality . You fall in love with them(you don’t but there won’t be many people with your level of sickness) so you have to choose if you hire them with some risks or letting it go . You can’t fix them (but you think you can ).
The dreamed bodyguards , treacherous , lethal and stronger enough to breaking a human with their hands . The complete enemies to lover any would want . Usually seen with weapons from others species and I could completely understand why . After being an Ancient race that because of addictions you would destroy your planet , I don’t think you couldn’t apply for a job that wasn’t mercenaries . The perfect representation of a Rogue , treacherous , saddic , lethal , and capable of move in all terrains . Stronger arms for climbing , a locomotive tail that help them going trough any terrain , and superior senses for searching their preys .
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/kuritafsheen77
The boyfriend you would hide from your parents for being the bad influence , «but he is too nice » , yeah sure , get out of there they will kill instead of cheating you . However I will only do my dirty job , showing a sample of that bad boy ,the dick pick you wanted but you don’t want to admit that you were interested on this snakes for their 2 dicks instead of the biological research you say to other you do .
I don’t trust that suspicious plot but anyways «🎶I’m just a Man , who would trade the world for see my son and wife 🎶» . Only don’t justify your weird taste of double penetration as a Final degree project .
Khorne / Blood God
Let’s be clear: The only way we could talk about «sexuality(Which is a big crossing line )» when referring to this monster won’t be nice. I don’t think Khorne could really be used as a sexuality term anyway; violence would be a much better description. But let’s be real: as a villain, this god is sick as fuck.
Khorne is one of the four main Chaos Gods and the number one haters of Slaanesh fan club. Of course, all four Chaos Gods hate each other, but some of them seem to have a particularly strong dislike for certain rivals.
https://warhammer40k.fandom.com/es/wiki/Khorne
Khorne is the embodiment of bloodshed, war, rage and violence, coming from some of the darkest parts of the human mind: hatred, vengeance, anger and the desire to destroy. If we had to compare him with something from Greek mythology, Ares would probably be the closest starting point. Ares is the god of war and its brutality, while Khorne takes that concept and pushes it into an almost absurd extreme. He doesn’t represent the strategy of war or the political reasons behind it. He represents the blood, the rage and the violence once the fighting has already begun.
Khorne can theoretically survive even during periods of peace because violence never completely disappears. There is always someone somewhere fighting, hating or seeking revenge, and Khorne’s entire existence is connected to those emotions. In a galaxy as ridiculously large as the Warhammer 40,000 universe, there will always be another battlefield. And if there isn’t one, well, someone will probably create one.
He absolutely hates avoiding conflict, especially when it comes to direct confrontation. His followers are drawn to melee combat, and Khorne’s philosophy is strongly associated with strength, brutality and facing your opponent rather than hiding from them. He isn’t exactly the god you would choose if your favourite combat strategy was «run away and come back tomorrow.»
Now, here’s where we move from established lore into my own interpretation. Khorne’s obsession with melee combat makes me think about the psychological difference between killing someone with a ranged weapon and killing someone with a sword.
The sword is one of the most famous weapons in human history, and it has become much more than a tool for killing. It’s the weapon of heroes, villains, kings, soldiers and executioners. But there is something particularly brutal about having to use one against another person. A soldier using a spear, a bow or later a firearm can create some physical and psychological distance between themselves and the person they’re killing. A sword doesn’t give you quite as much of that distance. You have to get close. You see the face of your enemy, you see their final moments, you feel the impact of every strike and, when the fight is over, the blood is covering your body.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/wirestock
That doesn’t mean that using a sword is objectively more traumatic than using a firearm, because that’s not something I can simply establish as a fact. I’m talking about the symbolism and psychological image surrounding the weapon. The sword forces the concept of the warrior and the victim into the same physical space. And if we interpret Khorne through that lens, I can understand why melee combat fits him so well. The blood, the physical struggle and the direct confrontation are basically everything his philosophy represents. The blood on your hands and the face of your enemy during their final breath would probably be Viagra for this god.
But violence isn’t always about killing. We often represent war with the same images: blood, corpses, dismemberment and warriors surrounded by dead bodies. Human history, however, has shown that there are many other ways of breaking an enemy. Sometimes the objective isn’t to kill them but to humiliate them, terrify them, destroy their morale or make them feel completely powerless. And this is where the sexual side of my interpretation of Khorne becomes particularly dark.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/liuzishan
Throughout history, sexual violence has been used during conflicts as a way of humiliating, dominating and psychologically destroying enemies and civilian populations. In some historical societies, including certain contexts of the ancient world, sexual violence against defeated enemies could be tolerated or treated very differently from how we understand it today.
This is also where we have to be careful with the historical comparison. The attitudes of ancient societies towards sexual behaviour were not the same as our modern concepts of sexual orientation, consent or sexuality. In some historical contexts, sexual violence against a defeated enemy could be treated as an act of domination and humiliation rather than understood through the modern concept of sexual assault. That doesn’t mean rape was seen with good eyes, because it wasn’t. The important part is that this was a red flag that some people could take advantage of: violence could be used to justify something that, outside that context, would have been considered unacceptable.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/magnific
You weren’t necessarily «having sex» with another man in the way we understand sex today. Sex requires consent to be considered sex in the consensual sense. What was happening was often framed as humiliating another man, taking away his masculinity and putting him into the position of the defeated or submissive person. And, in some societies, that could be socially easier to justify than simply loving another man. Why? Because one could be presented as violence, domination and victory, while the other challenged the expected roles of masculinity and sexuality. «VIOLENCE!» and suddenly someone has a justification for doing something horrible.
Of course, ancient societies—and even societies that existed much more recently—were far too diverse for me to claim that this was the universal attitude everywhere. Different cultures had completely different ideas about masculinity, sexuality, power and consent. The sexual element isn’t really about sex. It’s about using sexuality as another weapon of violence and humiliation.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/magnific
I’m not saying Khorne likes this. I’m Hansel, throwing the breadcrumbs on the floor. Khorne is as old as hatred, violence and conflict themselves, and let’s say that we’re talking about historical facts soooo… you can connect the dots.
I’m just looking at what humans have done throughout history and then looking at what Khorne represents. Violence, humiliation, domination, revenge, breaking the enemy and destroying their morale. Sexual violence has unfortunately been part of that history too.
And honestly, that’s considerably more disturbing.
Sorry for the quick switch-up in theme, but I found a toy whose name is Pride, soooo… you know what comes next. Hehehe… dick pic.
So after a long explanation about war we have to do our job TaLk AbOUt sEx TOys 🤪
We could summarize all of this with 2/7 of the capital sins, with Pride as the goal and Wrath as the vehicle. Wrath is the weapon that dries the blood of those who dare to defy a warrior’s pride. . This part was a very crossing line at least for me .
Rak’Gol
Here we are. After a very long essay, we’re finally going to talk about some simpler creatures and concepts that are basically designed to make you go “what the fuck am I looking at?” Khorne was mentally exhausting, so let’s give our brains a break and talk about something that requires considerably less philosophy: Rak’Gol.
https://warhammer40k.fandom.com/es/wiki/Rak%27Gol
Who are the Rak’Gol? Why are we talking about them? Well… I don’t know. They’re cool enough to deserve a mention in this post. Do they have a lot of lore to milk? Mmmm… pretty sure they don’t. But they are COOL, and honestly, sometimes that’s enough.
The Rak’Gol are one of those mysterious xenos species that feel more like a legend than something you should actually encounter. We know surprisingly little about their origins, and most of what we know comes from scattered accounts and encounters with them. Their territory is basically the Warhammer 40,000 equivalent of a Bermuda Triangle, except instead of losing your boat, you might lose your entire fucking crew. Getting through their territory is dangerous enough that encountering the Rak’Gol can feel less like meeting another civilisation and more from creatures from THE MIST the horror story written by Stephen King.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/wirestock
And what happens when you actually encounter them?
Well, the same of a usual monday , brutality , using the S.O.S call for having a feast with the living bodies . The usual breakfast.
The Rak’Gol are known for their extreme cruelty and the massacres they leave behind . They’re heavily modified, with parts of their bodies replaced or enhanced with technological weapons and machinery . Their appearance is already disturbing enough without knowing what they are capable of, and the fact that we know so little about them makes everything considerably worse.
Where did they come from? Nobody really knows. And if someone actually survives an encounter with them, good luck getting a coherent story out of them. That’s basically how legends work: “I saw something horrible out there.” Then the witness disappears, dies, or spends the rest of their life wondering why they ever went there in the first place. Typical intergalactical folklore culture .
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/rawpixel-com
Their relationship with technology is especially disturbing. They aren’t just creatures that happen to use advanced equipment; their technology can become part of their bodies. Imagine a Mechanicus adept, except instead of the religious devotion, replace it with something that looks like it escaped from a cosmic horror story. They don’t give you the comforting impression of “we have technology.” They give you the impression of “technology has happened to us.”
And then there is their radiation problem.
Or rather, their radiation advantage(Chernobyle 2.0).
Their technology and spacecraft are associated with extremely dangerous levels of radiation, partly because their propulsion systems are notoriously hazardous. But for the Rak’Gol, radiation isn’t simply an unfortunate side effect. They can apparently use it to their advantage, with their biology taking advantage of radiation and mutations rather than treating them purely as a problem. Because apparently normal evolution wasn’t fucked up enough, so they decided to add radioactive space travel to the process.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/freestockcenter
Some depictions describe them with more reptilian features, while others give them a strange mixture of reptilian and insect-like characteristics. Let’s be real I don’t think no one after having a traumatic experience would remember how they were after your minds force an amnesia to survive that experience .
Their bodies are heavily adapted and modified, and the result is something that looks less like a conventional alien species and more like someone kept throwing biological mutations and cybernetics at the same creature until nobody knew when to stop.
They also have that “I amputated my sexual organs at the age of eight because we won’t need them” kind of vibe. And honestly, I can understand the logic. I don’t think radiation would exactly be great for fertility, and asexual reproduction through cloning would probably be more practical. Although I don’t think reproduction would be a very successful activity if you had fucking saws instead of hands.
And many other human concepts probably wouldn’t mean much to them either. They simply don’t need to discuss ethics, morality or social conventions if none of those things are relevant to their way of life.
And honestly, that’s probably the best way to understand the Rak’Gol.
Thank you so much for taking your time to read this second post. This time we went through four very different sides of the Warhammer 40K . Some of them are a crossing line and other are very cool .
We don’t know yet if this post turned out better than the previous one, but we wanted to explore some unusual and darker concepts from the setting while keeping the same mix of lore, humour, curiosity and, of course, a few questionable jokes along the way.
A huge thanks to the Warhammer 40,000 universe and its creators for giving us such an absurdly deep setting to explore, and to Climax Labs, Xenocat and Darque Path for their amazing toy designs and artwork, which helped us represent some of these Xenos and characters.
Thank you for reading , I hope you like it !!!! See you soon !!!!
This little friend arrived courtesy of a magical owl from Hoggarts. It’s even stronger than BalderMort’s weird stick. Synchronized with a magical vibration, this wand could turn you into stone… and scream louder than a Mandrake. That’s exactly why this toy has its name.
Unboxing
Let’s skip this part faster than usual. If you’ve read our previous reviews, you already know how Funzze handles its packaging. You receive a discreet outer box, and inside there’s another box containing the product, along with a small storage bag to help keep everything clean with magnetic charger and 3 hoods.
This time, the toy comes with three interchangeable heads. Three mysterious attachments… (La pinta , la niña y la santa maria ).
The product
I must tell the truth: I don’t have a clit, nor do I have a partner to share this with. (🎻🎶🎵 SAD MUSIC). So I’ve reached the highest level of mastery over this deadly weapon. I tried the product in every way I could think of.
External vibes and internal vibes—we’ll talk more about those later. Overall, it’s a fairly ordinary product. However, it wasn’t noisy at all, which is always a nice surprise. The vibration strength was also quite good.
With 10 vibration modes, I’m sure you won’t complain about the variety.
…Or maybe you will anyway.
It’s actually a very nice product, and this time I won’t complain about the price. I’ve seen similar toys from other brands that cost considerably more. So yes, I think this one is reasonably priced.
Now let’s make a simple explanation unnecessarily complicated.
We’ll distinguish between the Rogue Grip (hehehe) and the Wizard Grip, just to give everything a more mythical atmosphere.
The Traitor Grip (or Rogue)is exactly what it sounds like: hold the toy as if it were a dagger you were about to stab someone in the back with. Also the Tip points toward the floor. This handle is large enough to feel comfortable in your hand, and the vibrations don’t really travel back into your grip, making it comfortable even during longer sessions.
The Wizard Grip… well, the name is already screaming «Wingardium Leviosa!» You get the joke because it’s a wand and ….well and it shapes …. . Just laugh you bunch of maggots.
H.P. (Help me please.)
As terrible as these jokes are, they’re still somehow fun.
Now let’s talk about why you shouldn’t stab your partner when you can simply cast a spell instead.
I won’t go into any more detail—you get the point.
Thanks for letting me steal one minute of your miserable life.
That’s one minute closer to D.E.A.T.H.
Destroying Expectations And Time.
…Or just death.
Cleaning & Waterproof
This will be a very short quote. It is very easy to clean and waterproof. Did you read that I wrote that I think that I saw that it is easy to clean? Well, now you have to dry the toy if you don’t want mushroom kingdom inside your ****** .
The Hydra of 3 heads
The finger, the tongue and the nipple (the brush). Well, I only used the head without any DLC like this. But while creating the review, I was reading the comments about this product and I found this comment.
That encouraged me to test some of the ideas that were shown in this comment. And let me rate that: using the brush on the 3rd mode and grabbing it like a mixer, moving my hand in circles, is so much better than the description sounds.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/mdjaff
I tested the nipples. I’m a very sensitive nipple person, so pleasure with or without pain is on the list. So, the tongue and the brush give you a mix of pain and pleasure. It’s okay, you won’t have an explosive orgasm with chocolate flavour, but your neighbours won’t think you have a mandrake in your house.
The finger is a good option for the frenulum 🧐. I mean, for preliminaries, it is overpowered. You can’t stay still with this toy. I had to focus on not moving, and I couldn’t.
Pro tips: For genitals with a penis.
Try the brush and brush the «testicles» 🧐. It feels so sensorial; it’s better than a massage, trust me.
Curiosities
I «discovered» that a vibration of 28,000 RPM (actually F = 466.67 Hz 🧐☝️), which is a low frequency if we talk about tech devices, could make a raindrop spin as UCM (Uniform Circular Motion), which is so cool, at least for me. Just a silly curiosity.
If we have the frequency of a toy and it spins around an edge, we can have an approximation of the angular speed. Which is:
w = 2 × Pi × F
w = 2932.174 rad/s
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/magnific
And the speed that a raindrop would have if it was moving on a flat surface would be:
V = w × 1.37 cm (1.37 cm radius)
V = 40.17 m/s
Which is nice.
The speed force is calling you.
Conclusion
You shouldn’t buy this because I tell you to—it’s your choice. However, I think this product, with its three interchangeable heads, is a fantastic option if you’re buying your first sex toy and don’t have a lot of cash. For the price, it’s genuinely a very good product.
Is it worth it? I’d say yes. It’s as versatile as your imagination allows. While many other products are designed with a specific gender in mind, this one is much more flexible if you’re creative and know how to use it properly.
Good price, waterproof, magnetic charging, and a surprising variety of uses.
Jokes aside, I’d give this product a solid 8.75/10.
I can confidently say that because when I received this product for review, I was honestly wondering how I was supposed to review it without having a vulva.
Thank you for taking the time to read this review, and a huge thanks to Funzzefor trusting us once again.
If you enjoy this style of reviews, the random curiosities, or just following our weird adventures, I’d really appreciate it if you shared this post with your friends.
Warhammer 40,000 is one of the largest sci-fi universes ever created.
At first glance, it looks like just another sci-fi franchise.
In reality, it’s what happens when medieval fanaticism discovers spaceships.
Tyranids
The plague from another galaxy. A species more resilient than cockroaches and the greatest nightmares in 40K .
The evolution weaponized. They don’t need technology, guns, or religion. They are living bioengineering at its finest: every creature, every weapon, every spaceship is a living organism designed for a single purpose—to consume.
Their Genestealers infiltrate civilizations long before the invasion begins (did I said that they are very good kissers 😜), while the Hive Fleets recycle the biomass of everything they devour. Flesh, plants, animals… everything is broken down, absorbed, and turned into brand-new biological horrors.
https://warhammer40k.fandom.com/wiki/Genestealer
Imagine a bloodthirsty cockroach the size of a tank, carrying weapons made from its own flesh, while its spaceship is also alive. Welcome to the Tyranids.
If The Last of Us made you uncomfortable 🍄🟫🍄🍄🟫, the Tyranids take that idea several steps further. Wherever they arrive, they release spores that consume ecosystems, dissolve organic matter, and transform entire planets into feeding grounds. Once nothing remains, every drop of biomass is collected and shipped back to the Hive Fleet. Think of it as the most horrifying Uber Eats delivery service imaginable.
And here’s another fun fact: every Tyranid is connected to a gigantic Hive Mind through immensely powerful psychic creatures, almost like organic Wi-Fi towers. If the Hive Mind decides that tomorrow its army needs wings, acid, sharper claws, or an entirely new organism… evolution simply gets to work.
Life finds a way.
The Tyranids make sure nothing else does.
That should be enough lore for tomorrow.
Now it’s time for the part you’ve all been waiting for… the memes!
Yeah, I lied. There aren’t any memes only kinks very weird kinks .
Instead, let’s answer a far more important question: if the Tyranids made sex toys(Curious way of saying interstellar hentai with Xenos) instead of bio-weapons… what would they look like?
That’s why I picked this design from Xenocat. Let’s see just how close it gets.
Tyranids don’t need to be beautiful, intimidating, or even particularly smart. They just need to be functional enough for evolution to decide they’re worth keeping.
I honestly don’t want to imagine what evolutionary purpose this particular appendage would serve in a Tyranid organism. Knowing this faction, it’d probably end up working like a parasitic wasp… or some other biological nightmare I’d rather never experience in my lifetime.
Slaanesh
One of the four Chaos Gods, Slaanesh is the embodiment of excess. Born from the decadence of the Aeldari(Futurist Elfs), an ancient civilization so advanced that, after conquering almost every challenge, they began searching for new sensations. Pleasure became obsession, and obsession eventually embraced pain, luxury, and every possible excess.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/magnific
Without realizing it, the Aeldari gave birth to a god whose arrival doomed their own empire. Slaanesh represents the loss of restraint: pleasure without limits, perfection taken too far, beauty twisted into obsession, and desire that eventually consumes the one who seeks it.
The tentacles can be seen as a metaphor for Slaanesh’s influence: once they wrap around you, escaping becomes almost impossible. They bind not only the body but also the mind, slowly imprisoning your own desires until they no longer feel like your own.
The spikes can represent the price of indulgence. The deeper you fall into temptation, the harder it becomes to pull away without getting hurt. Pleasure and pain become inseparable, just as Slaanesh intended.
Far worse than eating the Lotus in Greek mythology.
T’Au
The speedrunners of a successful civilization. Compared to the rest of the galaxy, they’re practically the hippies of Warhammer 40,000. While everyone else is busy committing genocide, summoning daemons, or trying to eat the universe, the T’au genuinely believe different species can cooperate under a single ideal.
…There’s just one tiny catch.
The Greater Good always comes before the individual. Self-care, personal ambition, or following your own dreams only matter if they benefit society as a whole. Every caste has its purpose: Fire fights, Earth builds, Air explores, and Water negotiates. Your life is planned from the moment you’re born.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/brgfx
Their doctrine is called T’au’va… not Tao Te Ching. Easy mistake.
Interracial porn? Not exactly. If you’re born into a caste, you’re expected to reproduce within that caste to preserve the social order. Turns out the hippies have some surprisingly strict rules.
Ironically, joining the T’au Empire is often easier than being born into it.
Oh… and they have giant mechs (you don’t need context there are mechs)!!!!
Not simply because it’s a sex toy (although that certainly helps), but because its design immediately gives off T’au vibes. It’s not quite beast, not quite human. Sleek, elegant, and surprisingly fragile-looking—just like the T’au themselves.
Unlike most of the designs we’ve looked at so far, this one doesn’t rely on monstrous features, excessive spikes, or organic horror. Everything feels deliberate, clean, and engineered.
That perfectly matches the T’au philosophy. They don’t solve problems with claws or brute force. They’d much rather stay a few hundred meters away, let their railguns, pulse rifles, and battlesuits do the talking, and call it a victory for the Greater Good.
Kroots
One of the T’au Empire’s closest allies, and arguably the best battle partners you could ask for. Imagine someone mixed a lizard, a kobold, and an eagle… then somehow created the platypus of the xenos.
Image from WH40K community
Unlike most species in Warhammer 40,000, the Kroot weren’t conquered. They joined the T’au willingly and still preserve their own culture, traditions, and way of life. Those weird biological horrors we talked about earlier? The Kroot would probably look at them and think:
«Free protein.»
At first glance, they’re primitive hunters carrying blades, rifles, and a worrying enthusiasm for close combat. Standing next to T’au soldiers equipped with plasma weapons and towering battlesuits, they don’t exactly look impressive.
Until you learn about their little genetic superpower.
Kroot don’t eat their enemies just because they’re hungry. They absorb useful genetic traits from whatever they consume. Stronger muscles. Better eyesight. Sharper senses. Faster reflexes.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/sergeycauselove
Imagine crash-landing on an unknown planet where every creature is trying to kill you… and instead of studying the local wildlife, your first instinct is to cook it and see if you level up afterward.
They are basically doing a Spore (the videogame) speedrun. Their leaders—called Shapers—act like the player, deciding exactly what the tribe should eat to unlock the next evolutionary upgrade.
Unlike the T’au, the Kroot don’t care about elegance, symmetry, or futuristic engineering. Everything about them is built around one simple principle:
If it works, keep it.
If eating it makes you stronger… even better.
So, let’s see how close our next design gets to this lore. Keeping in mind everything we just mentioned, it’s hard to say exactly how much their rapid evolution could change a Kroot’s anatomy. Sure, they might look like a genetic mashup between a vulture, a hornbill, and a velociraptor on the outside… but let’s be honest. If your entire species operates like a biological blender, constantly absorbing the DNA of alien monsters, apex predators, and whatever else crosses your plate, your… lower anatomy is going to get pretty wild.
To demonstrate this, we’re bringing in a very special guest: Cassiusfrom Na’Quora, an avian fellow who completely volunteered for this modeling session.
As you can see, this is the absolute closest match I could find for this faction!
Hopefully, you all enjoyed this massive deep dive. The main goal here was to blend the wild lore of these factions with the showcases, rather than just dropping standard toy reviews. Diving into the Warhammer 40K universe has been an absolute trip, leaving me with way more knowledge than could ever fit onto a single blog post.
Including the Orks was definitely on the table, but considering they reproduce by violently releasing spores after dying… yeah, finding a toy to represent that would have made things way too complicated.
However, if you want a Part 2, please show this post the love it deserves and share it with anyone crazy enough to read it. Love you all!!!! .
Hello everyone, we are back with a late review of our friends from Mythtoys.
This opportunity was completely different for me. As you know, I’m quite a protester when it comes to riding challenges; however, this is my first time testing a edgy toy or was it edging … . Whatever a male mastur**** .
If you’re a regular reader of this website, you probably know what type of toy I’m talking about.
I must say that I’ve discovered some ancient techniques for using this toy.
First Glance
Let’s talk about this non-delphinidae(non dolphin) member of this family shows us.
It’s smaller than I expected at first. When I saw the photos, I thought it would be as big as a small bottle. Well, the actual size is about as big as your hand, which isn’t bad at all.
My first impression was that my expectations were higher than reality. Despite this, our first meeting, on a very romantic night under the full moon, was as confusing as finding a member of your family on a dating app.
Let’s not even talk about finding your cousin on a gay dating app without having any previous knowledge of their sexuality or preferences.
Exotic dancer icon set with girl dance striptease she are a stripper vector illustration
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/macrovector
I tried different positions until I discovered the perfect ancient technique that I will explain later.
My First Love
My first time hanging out with this lovely partner was better than expected.
This is because I completely underestimated the pleasure of being patient. At first, it felt like complete bullshit, but after two minutes of learning how to use it, I found out that the vibration of the toy was actually great.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/kjpargeter
It isn’t a one-man worker; you can help it with your hand, and adding some lube upgrades the experience considerably.
With more than eight vibration modes, it’s awesome.
Most importantly, it’s really easy to clean. I simply used hand soap and tap water. I didn’t have to deal with any bad smells or sticky textures.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/freepik
It’s a bit like watching The Godfather. The first experience can feel long and boring, but if you stick with it, you’ll eventually find the gold.
I’ve never used male masturbators before, and this one was a perfect introduction.
Secret Technique
Because of my ignorance, I initially tried using the toy as a chastity vibrator.
This meant using the opening of the toy as my personal eggcup, adding some extra spice by treating it like an egg ring.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/prostooleh
The way the vibrations travel between the lower and upper parts of the toy is genuinely surprising.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/atlascompany
The toy also gave me the impression that it might have poor grip, but after testing it as a professional risk tester and attempting the elephant challenge, I found out that it doesn’t fall off easily.
Even so, I still prefer my secret technique.
Orca Skills
Just like in D&D, even whales can have points in Stealth.
The shape of the Orca is surprisingly discreet. It’s small enough to hide easily and doesn’t immediately look like an extremely naughty toy. Mythtoys are into being sneaky.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/freepik
Despite its unusual shape, it isn’t as quiet as some other stealthy toys. If you live with your parents and don’t want to get caught, I wouldn’t recommend using it in the middle of the night.
That could save you from some awkward moments if your mother happens to find it.
In addition, I must say that magnetic charging is practically the industry standard nowadays. However, what really matters is that the charging port doesn’t compromise the waterproof design.
The silicone of this toy made me rethink some of my previous complaints about vibrating toys. Let’s just say it doesn’t suffer from that annoying air gap between the internal components and the silicone surface.
Final Thoughts
Overall, the Orca surprised me. My expectations were not particularly high at first, but after spending some time with it and discovering my own «ancient techniques,» I found it to be a fun, versatile, and beginner-friendly experience.
Let’s settle a few concepts: you won’t get a perfect toy for $60. Would I call it a masterpiece? No. Would I call it a bad toy? Not even close. It does what it promises and feels surprisingly well-built for its price range.
The excellent bonding between the silicone and the casing means you can use and clean it without worrying about the adhesive failing over time. Add in the discreet shape and the variety of vibration modes, and you end up with a product that offers solid edging potential.
For me, it’s a solid 7/10. A great product for newcomers to strokers.
Now, let’s talk about the grey area: the price. To be completely honest, I wouldn’t pay the full $59.99 for this toy. But at around $50, it becomes a much more attractive option. If you really want to try it, use my discount code to knock that 15% off (SENSA15) and bring it down to a reasonable tier.
Ultimately, it’s not a revolutionary toy, but it’s a safe, reliable purchase with enough strengths to earn its place in your collection. Have a taste of this product –> CLICK HEREI SWEAR IT ISN’T A RICK ASTLEY EDIT
Hello everyone, we are back after a brutal week full of exams! Today, we are showcasing a new piece of «hardware» that Funzze has entrusted us to review. Looking at it, it feels less like a standard toy and more like a legendary item drop from an RPG or a sleek cyberpunk implant.
As the pro tester that I am (just kidding), I’m here to share the things I absolutely love about this item, along with my darkest fears and a slightly traumatic experience.
First Print
The moment I got the package in my hands, I noticed it was incredibly heavy. This isn’t a bad thing—I’m very strong. Stronger than a gorilla, actually.
This rare specimen is forged from solid stainless steel, giving it a premium, almost indestructible feel. The length is quite substantial, making it great for depth training, but wielding it comes with a few requirements.
Since metal is highly temperature-responsive, you can easily play with thermal sensations.
You don’t have to spend a lot of time warming it up; just running it under warm water in the sink for about a minute does the trick. Once inside, it adapts to your body heat almost instantly, so you completely avoid that shocking, annoying cold feeling.
Optimized shapes
When testing, I usually switch between different toys, but I really love the dual-wielding nature of this one. Because of its ergonomic C-shape design with two differently sized balls at the ends, you can effortlessly switch between the smaller and the bigger sphere depending on your level.
Playing with it requires very little effort. The C-shape acts as a perfect lever—while one end hits your joy spot internally with the exact right pressure, the external sphere acts as a heavy counterweight.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/brgfx
«Waterproof» is practically written in its name. Because it’s 100% non-porous stainless steel, the shower can absolutely be part of the fun. And here is the best part: unlike regular toys, stainless steel is immune to material degradation. You can use any lube you want, despite how excited you are. Grab a thick Silicone-Based lube without fear; this toy is fully silicone-proof, incredibly easy to clean, and perfect for a hot bath.
The Drama and The Fear (A Warning)⚠️
But as I always say: you have to be careful. Using a heavy metal toy without a traditional flared base could send you straight to the doctor’s office (and not just to get a note to skip classes).
My personal «traumatic» experience came from not keeping a close enough eye on «the friend I had inside of me.»
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/jannoon028
Because solid steel gets incredibly slippery when covered in lube, gravity did its job. It surpassed the sigmoid barrier. At first, it seemed like a great discovery, but quickly, the lack of a flat base turned the situation into an emergency. I was one step away from yelling, «Stepbro, I’m stuck!».
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/stefamerpik
Thankfully, with a lot of patience and some strategic pushing of my inner organs, I managed to guide this heavy boy back out and save myself from disaster.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/pvproductions
After that terrifying moment, I considered giving this toy a little more use. Honestly, if the spherical head had an oval shape instead, both insertion and removal would be much smoother. That simple design change would definitely give some peace of mind to anyone who is scared of making a ‘one-way trip’ after hearing about my episode.
Final Conclusion
My overall experience with this toy was incredibly good, even after surviving that scary episode. The texture of the steel is flawlessly smooth, the heavy weight makes it feel like a premium item, and the awesome storage bag it came with is a fantastic touch.
It is really a great piece of gear, but those safety issues could send more than expected to the hospital.
British ambulance parked in a parking lot
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/rawpixel-com
Also, huge bonus points for the «stealth mode» delivery. The shipping is not only 100% «sneaky» you don’t have to worry about curious neighbourghs or paying the delivery because it is free.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/freepik
This is a massive win, because a lot of seemingly «cheaper» toys hit you with surprise shipping fees at checkout that end up ruining your budget .
Final Score: 7.9 / 10 ⭐
Furthermore, it would be a massive improvement if the toy featured a textured grip and a proper safety support. When you combine heavy steel with silicone lube, it becomes incredibly slippery, so having a secure way to hold it would definitely prevent any unwanted ‘critical failures’ during sessions. It’s a great concept, but those two design flaws prevent it from being a perfect 10/10 item.
As always thanks to Funzze for this giant chance of testing such products , thank you for reading . I hope we can continue bringing fresh content for everyone . Love you all!!!!! .
We previously covered this in a 2-in-1 review, but after spending more time and working properly with it, my perspective has completely changed for the better. Here is why.
The Experience: From Training to Pleasure
I can honestly say this toy is like a good wine—an acquired taste that gets better over time. In the beginning, it was a struggle; it felt more like a hardcore training session than an actually pleasant experience.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/wirestock
Now, my experience is entirely different. I no longer need an intense, «hardcore» warm-up. My body has adjusted to its circumference, leaving me with that nice, exhausting feeling of a good stretch. You can really feel the progress, even with casual training over the last 6 months (using it maybe four times one month, zero the next, etc.).
I also have to mention that switching to X-Lube was a massive game-changer—it helped way more than any previous lubes I’ve tried.
The Double-Edged Sword: Flexibility
I wouldn’t call these «red flags,» but the exact feature that makes me love this toy is the same one that drains my patience during failed attempts.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/jemastock
The flexibility of the Seahorse is completely necessary when training for width—without it, the tension would be unbearable (it’s not exactly painful, just a serious stretching of your limits).
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/freepik
However, because of this flexibility, it lacks natural stability. You have to hit a very specific angle to make it work. The same bending that saves you from a perforation is what you end up fighting against to keep it straight. Because of this, I’m seriously considering buying the Hankey’s suction cup or their riding saddle just to keep it grounded.
General Thoughts & Maintenance
As I mentioned in older posts about the Seahorse, its ridges are great to help you measure your progress. It might get exasperating at times, but you must remember you are using a plus-size toy compared to normal silicone toys; it requires patience.
On the maintenance side, it’s flawless. It cleans incredibly easily, there are absolutely no weird odors, the material is extremely durable (no fear of breaking the toy), and I’ve had zero safety or injury concerns. Even after six months of use, the silicone hasn’t degraded at all—the toy feels just like the day I received it. I know some users like to throw their silicone toys in the dishwasher, but honestly, washing it by hand with some good hand soap is more than enough to keep it pristine and completely get rid of any odors.
8.5/10 Good product but not perfect
If I had rated this toy on day one, the score would have been much lower out of pure frustration. But at the 6-month mark, the Hankey’s Seahorse gets a solid 8.5/10.
Who is it for? Intermediate to advanced size trainers. If you are an absolute beginner, you can use it, but you will need a massive amount of patience (and premium lube like X-Lube) to get past the «hardcore training» phase.
The Bottom Line: It’s a high-quality, incredibly safe piece of silicone that does exactly what it promises for size progression. The only reason it doesn’t score higher is the lack of base stability—you’ll likely find yourself needing to buy a suction cup or saddle just to keep it from bending during the initial push. But once you master the angle, it’s a fantastic ride.
As I always say, we really hope you liked this post, but it’s even more important to us that you found it useful. Also, a big thanks to Hankey’s Toys for giving us a true sample of what «plus-size» really means. I just wanted to make a proper, objective review this time around—the last one was good, but it was much more about storytelling than technical feedback.
A couple of weeks ago, we received a «surprise» package from an emergent brand, Mythtoys. However, before starting this review, let’s settle a few things. They sent us the product for free. Does this mean this is a biased, sponsored review? Absolutely not. In fact, we are never going to recommend something we think is trash.
https://www.freepik.com/author/originalmockup
After that short disclaimer, I’m going to share some of the thoughts I had while enjoying this experience with my partner.
Unboxing
It was weird, but not in a bad way. Feeling like you were getting VIP treatment, like you were on a luxury cruise opening a $50k lobster. It had that typical mystique of presenting a gourmet dish in the movies.
https://www.freepik.com/author/freepik
Inside the box, you get a magnetic charger (I’m an official collector of these cables at this point, I have like four of them) and a cloth mini-bag.
I remember saying, «The bag is an awesome detail.» Because it’s made of cloth instead of cheap plastic, it actually felt premium.
Arc Experiences
This toy gave me a bit of a love-hate feeling. It’s a very simple, mainstream toy, but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad product. It was fully charged when we received the package (+1 for Gryffindor!). These little details are lovely; we talked a couple of reviews ago about Funzze doing the exact same thing. They just know how excited someone can be after adopting one of these new partners (+1).
https://www.freepik.com/author/freepik
My partner didn’t talk too much during our «review session,» so I’d say that’s a great sign. He did mention that sometimes the suction was stronger than he’d like, but that’s not really something to complain about. You have 10 modes, so just go down a level. He was on level 3 or 4, dropped down to the previous mode, and had zero complaints after that.
In addition the curvy shape is a really good idea. On their shop, they claim it’s designed to improve hand grip, but we ALL know that having a curvy, long handle isn’t just for that. You could totally use it as an insertable object for the V. It isn’t huge, so if you can handle any of the other toys we’ve talked about on this site, you could definitely devour this one.
https://www.freepik.com/author/macrovector
We are going to have a detective moment, okay? The f***, I’m talking to myself. Well, let’s investigate the clues we have: Magnetic charger… +1 for Gryffindor… interesting… ummmm… magnetic charger… I don’t get why I’m doing this whole investigation bit instead of just saying it’s waterproof but not submarine-proof (Don’t fully submerge pending long periods). Did you get it? It was a good pun. Like the anime, One PUN Man. I’m the master of jokes. I’m the Joker.
https://www.freepik.com/author/catalyststuff
Okay, I apologize for the part of my brain that just went on vacation. Let’s continue without puns or jokes. As I said, it is waterproof. You can use it in the shower, which is a great option for having a better time alone.
https://www.freepik.com/author/user18526052
This isn’t a sneaky toy , my partner suggested that if the toy was less noisy would be better .
Final Conclusion
It’s a very good product overall, but maybe I’m a bit of a picky eater with these things. I absolutely hate what I call «floating silicone.» You know what I mean? When the silicone isn’t a solid, compact block wrapping the inner mechanism, but just a loose sleeve with an air gap underneath. I don’t like pressing somewhere on the toy and feeling my finger sink into a hollow, deep hole. I need these toys to feel as protected, compact, and solid as a block of ice.
https://www.freepik.com/author/freepik
On top of that, there is something else regarding the waterproof claim. It felt awesome for my partner, but I’m not entirely sure the metal and non-metal parts will stay glued together over time. The silicone is very high quality, and I want to believe the metal is too, but that joint makes me a bit skeptical.
If we had to give it a rating, it would be an 8 / 10 (with 1 being absolute trash and 10 being the ideal, perfect toy). From my point of view, it should definitely be cheaper if they want to compete with other brands. We loved the product, but honestly, I highly recommend grabbing it only when it goes on sale. At the end of the day, balancing accessibility, price, and quality is key. This brand offers really good quality, but they still have some room for improvement.
https://www.freepik.com/author/freepik
In addition huge thanks to Mythtoys for sending this product over. You asked me to be completely honest, and here is my honest take: it is a good product despite of the bad things but they need to think outside the box a little bit more.
They have some really cool designs (like the AirPods one!), but if you don’t reinvent the wheel, you’ll just blend in with all the other brands out there. That’s my review and my two cents.
We love making this post and review , also they treated us like absolut kings we can’t say anything more that we didn’t say before on this review .
Also, a quick note: while I was writing this post, the brand reached out to let me know that the specific unit they sent me was actually a bit more powerful than intended. I have to say, that shows they really care about their clients and listen to feedback.
Listen here, future non-hunters. I don’t think the Hunter’s Guild will approve this post, and neither do I. I don’t think anyone has ever played this game and said, «Damn, that Brachydios is flirting with me,» or «Pls Bulldrome, make me yours»… butttttt….. I can’t defend this point of view anymore, srry.
Anyways, a couple of days ago I asked the Bad Dragon community why there aren’t toys from this saga. I’ve seen references to Jurassic Park, Alien, Star Wars, and we even did a Resident Evil list. I’ve seen a lot of fantasy ideas, but Monster Hunter? No one. Well, some Reddit user commented to tell me that a maker called XenoCat actually made a color pattern for each mob (Monster) –> Monster Inbound .
However , let’s show our contestants…!!! (Cue «Proof of a Hero») We will need backups, there is more than 1 Elder Dragon here. Be ready, eat at the canteen, and let’s forge some boots.
Despite this monster isn’t the favorite of many people, but being the premium cousin of Radobaan is always a good point. However, this is not a hard choice: look at Radobaan’s house and then look at that shiny armor. Jhora the World Eater was the winner for the auditions
Our shiny knight
Green Flags: this «little guy» is perfect for making toys out of. First, he can make you sleepy, which is a very good point (sleeping after climax gets a solid 10/10 on HunterAdvisor). And second, due to the heat inside of him, he can warm up your…. well, you know, this isn’t a lore wiki.
We can think of lore ideas where these toys are made from the spikes on his back, or maybe you are just a little pervert who wants to make out with a giant fantasy animal that is highly likely to end up killing you. But that won’t scare you at all. A gold dildo is like the premium of premiums, just think twice.
Imagine fusing a skinless werewolf with an eel. Well, we have the ADHD monster that is an Odogaron. Lethal and fast as an eel, you choose which one you are going to fight: the dragon element (Ebony) or the normal type.
This is just a psycho with a massive bloodthirst doing acrobatics that might impress you on your first date. But after the hemorrhage… I actually think some of you would still love to have another date with him.
https://monsterhunternow.com/es/monsters/odogaron
Look at those claws and that mouth; for sure he is going to bite with true passion. Maybe you lose your shoulder… I’m not going to compare having a ravishing passion to losing a shoulder. I love my shoulders.
Oh, look at that… maybe losing a shoulder wouldn’t be that bad, right??? I mean, he isn’t so big… Maybe if I give him some raw meat he would change his mind??? I dunno.
The ego of an emperor and the cruelty of the Queen of Hearts comes Kulve Taroth, fully dressed in the purest gold. A total Diva. Those horns never came with innocent intentions. With her dark skin and the impossibility of killing such a Queen, we can only toe the line with the leftovers of her clothes: that Aureus cloak.
The other day we saw some of the power of the dragon. At least it was a shiny replica (Wandering Bard Toy)—I can’t even make out what it would be like having one of the real ones in my hands. As you can see, this is just a replica of the power of a dragon; we definitely couldn’t handle the real size.
Known as the ghost of the taiga, this creature is the ultimate hybrid between an avian and an exotic feline. Does the silhouette sound familiar? Imagine a massive, exotic feline sporting an avian beak and razor-sharp tail feathers.
If we can find human twins born in completely different parts of the world, why can’t we connect creatures with identical ways of hunting? The Alabaster is exactly that: a multiversal twin, a hybrid born from different realities but sharing the same lethal, beautiful nature.
They told us it was a monster. They lied. Our giant kitty cat is innocent and pure, it only wants to give hugs and kisses! 🥺 It was completely demonized by the Hunters, brainwashing us with lies about its ‘ferocity’. I am completely against this anti-wyvern propaganda. Justice for the taiga ghost!
Even his D is a biological marvel, beautiful like a peacock with those feathers! 🦚 He only wants to be pet… and so do you, you f..ing creeps. Dirty minds! You think this was about f..ing monsters?! THIS IS PURE BIOLOGICAL RESEARCH. 🧬
The single idea that I would smash such a beautiful creature is insane… though I wouldn’t mind doing it or letting you do it. They are my precious babies! Maybe we can share before we get executed by the Hunter’s Guild… 🐉💀
Thanks to
Before I get carted, huge thanks to the r/BadDragon community for giving me the research material and showing me the brands making these must-see MH toys. Massive thanks to XenoCat for giving me the green light to expose their beautiful specimens here, and an honorable mention to Wandering Bard Toys—their post on X about the Dragon’s Tail was the catalyst for this whole crazy idea.
I really hope you enjoyed this post! It’s pure chaos, but what is science without a little madness and readers willing to view it? If you enjoyed this biological research, feel free to check out my other posts. To support the cause, drop an upvote or share this with your fellow hunters. If you want to fund my research, you can donate in Educoffee. This content is totally free and ad-free for your reading pleasure. See you at the canteen! 🍖🍻
Yes, I have ADHD and my new hyperfixation is Resident Evil. I’ve played several of their games this month, and I’m quite sure that some of their mutated creatures might not seem like the best option for conventionally attractive toys. But what if that is exactly the point? We have to remember that the most unique Resident Evil fantasy toys are chosen primarily for their incredible, monstrous designs.
If you’ve played Resident Evil 0, you definitely remember the Leech Zombie. A relentless, slimy nightmare made entirely of… well, you know. They were an absolute headache of an enemy. There is something uniquely terrifying about a slippery opponent that just absorbs your bullets, leaving you feeling completely helpless
Enter The Ovistem by Xenocat Artifacts. It was love at first sight. I was actively searching for a product that captured the eerie vibe of those bio-organic enemies, and this toy is simply unforgettable. (I’ll drop an image of the RE0 Leech Zombie below for those who luckily blocked that trauma from their memory).
Let’s be honest: glowing in the dark and laying eggs inside people might not be the traditional way to make friends, but in the realm of monster fantasy… it’s a masterpiece.»
Yeah, we know the name is a cheeky wink to a certain black-suited, tongue-wielding antihero—whose cinematic universe has seen quite the decline lately thanks to some ‘unexpected’ box office choices… But let’s focus on the real survival horror.
In the Resident Evil universe, these mutant creatures were human once upon a time, now reduced to the gruesome result of a second metamorphosis caused by the T-Virus. We’ve always been terrified of how menacing those razor-sharp tongues look in the games, but what if we switched places? Oh wait, I didn’t say anything…
Have you ever wondered what a ‘butt kiss’ from a Licker feels like? Well, now you can find out. Just make sure you take the necessary precautions to survive the encounter.
your next partner
And remember the golden rule of surviving the Raccoon City Police Department: Don’t be too loud. We don’t want to attract more than one… though I’m not here to judge if you think you can take four of them at the same time.
Disclaimer: The Resident Evil world is pretty fucked up, but getting intimate with a Licker is basically the new B.O.W. Tinder.
If you have a good memory for traumatic events, you definitely haven’t forgotten the sheer panic of being incubated by a mutant insect (drain demoss)—or whatever the hell that gross shit was from resident Evil 3. Think you could handle more than that? Are you sure? Because you never really know what’s waiting in the dark.
What could possibly be worse, you ask? Well, imagine exploring a dark cave and suddenly realizing you are entirely surrounded by a single massive centipede… and it wants to get very, very intimate with your mouth.
Still think it couldn’t get worse? Allow me to introduce you to Imago. Imago isn’t just a big bug. Imago is a massive, T-Veronica style centipede-dragon that lives in volcanic exhaust tunnels and is completely resistant to fire . Great now the cockroaches tanks fire . Imago 1 , Helldivers 0 . «Quien tenga miedo a morir que no nazca » .
If there’s one thing Resident Evil taught us, it’s that gardening in a secret laboratory is a terrible, terrible idea. We’ve all been there: running through the hallways of the Spencer Mansion (the grenade launche was my best friend , I didn’t discovered there was another way) or the NEST labs, praying that the giant, mutated vines hanging from the ceiling wouldn’t turn our heads into a salad. Whether it was the Plant 42 or those acid-spitting Ivy freaks, we learned the hard way that ‘organic’ usually means ‘it wants to eat you.’
But what if you could take a piece of that botanical nightmare home? Without the whole ‘dissolving your skin with enzymes’ part?
This isn’t your grandma’s tulip. Looking at it, you can almost hear the wet, squelching sound of a T-Virus mutation in full bloom. It has that eerie, organic shape—half-alien seed, half-mutated organ—that looks like it was plucked straight from the humid corridors of a contaminated greenhouse.
As Ian Malcolm famously said in Jurassic Park: ‘Life finds a way.’ And if you don’t believe me, give this plant a try. Just remember: unlike the green herbs in the game, this bulb won’t heal your wounds… but it will certainly make you forget them. Are you ready to let it take root?
Let’s be honest: we all know that ‘Las Plagas’ from Resident Evil 4 couldn’t possibly be from this planet. The idea of ancient, fossilized parasites that take absolute control and form a perfect symbiosis with their hosts screams extraterrestrial origin. It’s entirely plausible that the Plaga originally arrived on Earth via a meteorite, evolving in the dark over millennia.
But what if we finally found the source? The original cosmic strain?
Phobos is a fallen star seed that crashed into a remote swampland, taking root and infesting the entire crash site. Unlike the parasites we dealt with in rural Spain, this mutated specimen is completely blind. Its ‘toy’ form is based entirely on its tendrils—each appendage is packed with sensitive nodes that act as its eyes and taste buds, exploring every inch of you.
But here is where the true symbiosis begins: its central body emits a potent hallucinogenic substance designed to relax your muscles and pull you into a distorted, euphoric state for up to two hours. Its only goal is to bond with new species, share experiences through a deep mind-link, and ensure its uniquely beautiful survival.
Are you ready to make first contact and let the parasite take control?
Well, there you have it. If you love Resident Evil as much as I do, you’ll understand why this recent hyperfixation of mine completely took over. I’ve always loved rating the sheer creativity behind the designs of these toys.
Thanks to:
A massive shoutout to Xenocatfor helping us make this post happen—they craft absolute monstrosities (in the best way possible).
Also, a quick reminder: this content is completely free and ad-free. I’d much rather give you a clean, immersive experience than ruin the vibe just to earn a few pennies. If you’d like to help me pay for the website’s hosting, there’s a donation button around here somewhere. But honestly? I value interaction way more. I’d rather connect and talk with fellow freaks like me.
Leave a comment, share your favorite B.O.W., and let’s freak out. See you soon!
We know you love bringing dirty toys to the airports so we discussed and investigated looking up for keeping up your dignity and pleasure . It also works with parents but don’t tell them .
We know many of you still living with your parents and even with roommates , well this wouldn’t be something to worry after you read this top discretion agent 07 .
You read that correctly. We know many of you lose your minds dealing with the daily commute on the bus or just trying to survive the stress of being at home. Well, MythToys took advantage of this, completely solving a problem you didn’t even know you had.
Say hello to ‘The Pod’. This smart sonic sucker is the perfect option for those who want something ultra-portable that blends seamlessly into your purse, backpack, or nightstand. It’s the ultimate sneaky toy, making sure your favorite stress-relief device is available whenever you need to «tune out the world» for a few minutes.
Just a quick warning: no matter how much it looks like next-generation high-end tech… please don’t try to connect it to Spotify, and definitely don’t stick it in your ear. It goes somewhere else.
(And hey, if you want to upgrade your daily commute, you can grab this tech marvel at MythToys. Use the code SENSA10 for a 10% discount. Cheaper than actual AirPods, and way more fun).
We are about to save your anniversary. Stop panicking and think about it for five seconds: is there anything more deeply romantic than literally giving your partner your heart?
Enter another genius portable toy from our friends and blog collaborators at Funzze. They have already surprised us with some of their previous products, but they did it again. They’ve created a tiny, pocket-sized heart that looks so innocent, even the most standard cis guy wouldn’t mind carrying it on his keychain.
But for those who haven’t caught on yet: this is a clitoral suction toy. It’s designed to suck your blood—sorry, I mean, suck the soul right out of your body in the best way possible.
This is your true pumping moment. We are 100% sure that after using this, your partner will be hitting those high notes from the OG song: What is loooveee… baby don’t hurt me… ***
Hailing from the desolate depths of the ancient Crystal Peak mines—where a tiny, silent Knight once fought against crushing loneliness and the radiant orange infection of his society—comes this mesmerizing artifact.
Just like the shimmering, hypnotic veins that lined those infected mines, this shard reacts intensely to UV light. Bathe it in blacklight, and it pulses with a captivating, radioactive glow, as if infused with the very soul of the crystals. No super-dash required to harness this power; just get ready for a radiant experience that will light up your own dark corners. Conquering your loneliness has never looked so brilliant.
Now, here is the golden rule if you ever show this glowing masterpiece to anyone. If they are fans of the Hollow Knight saga and they ask you about it, give them a knowing nod and confirm it’s a direct tribute to the game.
But for those who don’t know anything about the game? Look them dead in the eye and tell them it’s a highly volatile, unrefined gem sourced straight from a classified African mine. Disclaimer : We do not support imperialism .
Picture this: It’s the peak of New Year’s Eve, the fireworks are going off, and you’ve just won the Formula 1 World Championship. Congratulations, champion. As a reward for your glorious victory, you are gifted an exclusive, mysterious bottle of vintage called Du Champagne Sur Les Fesses.
Being the rich, sophisticated, and incredibly wise person you are, you don’t just pop it right away. You hide this masterpiece in the darkest, most secure corner of your closet, reserving it for a truly monumental occasion.
Fast forward to your wedding night. The ultimate special occasion. But as you grab the bottle and try to open it, reality hits you. You try to pop the cork, only to realize there is no cork. Just a surprisingly wide, suction-cup base.
You look at the bottle. Then you look at the label ‘Sur Les Fesses’ (literally: On the Ass). Then you look at your partner, who is smiling wickedly. Suddenly, you understand why they kept it hidden in the dark all this time… and you realize exactly how you two are going to celebrate tonight. And spoiler alert: it doesn’t involve drinking glasses.
THE END
I’m incredibly happy to announce that after a lot of hard work behind the scenes, we’ve officially landed our very first affiliate code!
Using this code not only guarantees you a sweet discount on your new «stealth tech», but it directly helps fund this website. Don’t worry, our vibe isn’t changing. We will continue working with high-quality brands to bring you the exact same brutally honest, comedic content you’re used to.
If you had a good laugh today and want to support the blog even further, you can click on my Educoffee and literally buy me a coffee to keep the engine running.
What did you think of today’s list? What other wild topics or weird gadgets would you love to see me review next? Drop all your ideas in the comments below. Stay stealthy! 🤫😮💨
