If you thought that training for width was going to help you take something longer… I hope you can forgive me for bursting your bubble.
I learned the hard way, but after wrestling with beasts like the Seahorse and Beowulf twice a week, I am officially qualified to guide you through this naughty endeavor.
Love and meet your body
We’ve all heard those cliché quotes: «Love your body,» «It’s perfect the way it is.» Sorry to break it to the people who think that applies universally, but you actually have to get to know your body. Take it out for a coffee, go on a date, listen to it, and learn exactly how it works.
close up view of dark fresh roasted coffee beans on coffee beans background
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/stockking
We all know the basic anatomy of the backdoor. But if you want to play in the big leagues, you need to understand that your inner Anubis can’t handle all that power alone.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/freepik
Let’s do some basic math. You want to take, say, 30 cm of length, but you only have about 20 cm of space available between the rectum and the planet Uranus (don’t kill me for the pun). As you can see, the math ain’t mathing.
Blackboard inscribed with scientific formulas and calculations in physics, mathematics and electrical circuits. Science and education background.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/jcomp
You don’t have enough runway for those sizes. You are going to need help from your new best friend: the «sigma male» of your anatomy (Thomas shelby), the sigmoid colon. And as many of you know, this guy wasn’t exactly designed for these kinds of activities
Sigmoideus
This name might remind some of us of a supervillain name. Well, this buddy is in charge of closing the gates of the feces. He isn’t made for taking a U.L.O. (Unidentified Large Object), so you have to treat him as the queen he really is, with touch and being very careful.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/freepik
You can have some personal harm that might accompany you all your life, so don’t push yourself. Try easy, starting with easy tasks and adding some difficulty to him (Bloodbath Extreme Demon).
Pro-tip, this is a pro-tip I hope you never have to do: if you achieved enough length and width you could push with your fingers this tube, a move you are lucky enough to apply before going to emergencies.
Well, if the toy with a mushroom head got inside and doesn’t want to come out, you have to be prepared for two concepts: if you rush you are dead ‘cause of the pain, and the idea of this movement is pushing the sigmoid walls enough with your fingers for letting the stuck object go out.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/drazenzigic
If you can’t do it, pls go to emergencies. They won’t leave you with that inside you.
Training this little buddy needs thin toys, not bigger. Remember this is part of your intestines, so if you dig in the mine you will get dirty even if you clean it .
The Final Lap
If you really want to improve, don’t search the sigmoid, really don’t do it, just flow with it. Trying to train length without the proper skills will send you to the hospital. An apple a day won’t keep your doctor away! .
As always, clean your hands before touching it, don’t try to scratch it or push more. It’s better quitting too early than having an injury that won’t let you do this trick again.
Don’t clean the sigmoid with water unless you want to be a brown fountain all day. Despite all of this, don’t put all the weight of your body over a toy that you can’t take; this will lead you into a perforated bowel.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/katemangostar
This is very dangerous, even extreme, if you don’t do it with proper material, skills, and precautions. I’m tired of saying the same things, but with great powers comes great responsibility, and using a 1 kg stick is a lot of power.
Conclusion
This isn’t a joke activity, nevertheless it isn’t an easy task, only the best soldiers will survive this. We are talking specifically about the Spartans, who, for those who don’t know, liked a bit too much the mechanic of fighting with swords as «good friends».
I know this is roman because of the gladius.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/fxquadro
Many doctors will say don’t do it, and they are completely right. It is a creepy way of destroying your body; it would be a 4!/10 on the cigarette scale, so very radical shit you know , Jack butt 2 and those creepy series. .
If you are really reading this you are very weird, not like me, because I’m not the type of person that creates a web talking about those gay things you know. Weirdos! I hope you loved all this speech, I love you, your families, your parents, your pets, your booty. See you soon, don’t forget to share if you love this content 🙂
We previously covered this in a 2-in-1 review, but after spending more time and working properly with it, my perspective has completely changed for the better. Here is why.
The Experience: From Training to Pleasure
I can honestly say this toy is like a good wine—an acquired taste that gets better over time. In the beginning, it was a struggle; it felt more like a hardcore training session than an actually pleasant experience.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/wirestock
Now, my experience is entirely different. I no longer need an intense, «hardcore» warm-up. My body has adjusted to its circumference, leaving me with that nice, exhausting feeling of a good stretch. You can really feel the progress, even with casual training over the last 6 months (using it maybe four times one month, zero the next, etc.).
I also have to mention that switching to X-Lube was a massive game-changer—it helped way more than any previous lubes I’ve tried.
The Double-Edged Sword: Flexibility
I wouldn’t call these «red flags,» but the exact feature that makes me love this toy is the same one that drains my patience during failed attempts.
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/jemastock
The flexibility of the Seahorse is completely necessary when training for width—without it, the tension would be unbearable (it’s not exactly painful, just a serious stretching of your limits).
https://www.magnific.com/es/autor/freepik
However, because of this flexibility, it lacks natural stability. You have to hit a very specific angle to make it work. The same bending that saves you from a perforation is what you end up fighting against to keep it straight. Because of this, I’m seriously considering buying the Hankey’s suction cup or their riding saddle just to keep it grounded.
General Thoughts & Maintenance
As I mentioned in older posts about the Seahorse, its ridges are great to help you measure your progress. It might get exasperating at times, but you must remember you are using a plus-size toy compared to normal silicone toys; it requires patience.
On the maintenance side, it’s flawless. It cleans incredibly easily, there are absolutely no weird odors, the material is extremely durable (no fear of breaking the toy), and I’ve had zero safety or injury concerns. Even after six months of use, the silicone hasn’t degraded at all—the toy feels just like the day I received it. I know some users like to throw their silicone toys in the dishwasher, but honestly, washing it by hand with some good hand soap is more than enough to keep it pristine and completely get rid of any odors.
8.5/10 Good product but not perfect
If I had rated this toy on day one, the score would have been much lower out of pure frustration. But at the 6-month mark, the Hankey’s Seahorse gets a solid 8.5/10.
Who is it for? Intermediate to advanced size trainers. If you are an absolute beginner, you can use it, but you will need a massive amount of patience (and premium lube like X-Lube) to get past the «hardcore training» phase.
The Bottom Line: It’s a high-quality, incredibly safe piece of silicone that does exactly what it promises for size progression. The only reason it doesn’t score higher is the lack of base stability—you’ll likely find yourself needing to buy a suction cup or saddle just to keep it from bending during the initial push. But once you master the angle, it’s a fantastic ride.
As I always say, we really hope you liked this post, but it’s even more important to us that you found it useful. Also, a big thanks to Hankey’s Toys for giving us a true sample of what «plus-size» really means. I just wanted to make a proper, objective review this time around—the last one was good, but it was much more about storytelling than technical feedback.
A couple of weeks ago, we received a «surprise» package from an emergent brand, Mythtoys. However, before starting this review, let’s settle a few things. They sent us the product for free. Does this mean this is a biased, sponsored review? Absolutely not. In fact, we are never going to recommend something we think is trash.
https://www.freepik.com/author/originalmockup
After that short disclaimer, I’m going to share some of the thoughts I had while enjoying this experience with my partner.
Unboxing
It was weird, but not in a bad way. Feeling like you were getting VIP treatment, like you were on a luxury cruise opening a $50k lobster. It had that typical mystique of presenting a gourmet dish in the movies.
https://www.freepik.com/author/freepik
Inside the box, you get a magnetic charger (I’m an official collector of these cables at this point, I have like four of them) and a cloth mini-bag.
I remember saying, «The bag is an awesome detail.» Because it’s made of cloth instead of cheap plastic, it actually felt premium.
Arc Experiences
This toy gave me a bit of a love-hate feeling. It’s a very simple, mainstream toy, but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad product. It was fully charged when we received the package (+1 for Gryffindor!). These little details are lovely; we talked a couple of reviews ago about Funzze doing the exact same thing. They just know how excited someone can be after adopting one of these new partners (+1).
https://www.freepik.com/author/freepik
My partner didn’t talk too much during our «review session,» so I’d say that’s a great sign. He did mention that sometimes the suction was stronger than he’d like, but that’s not really something to complain about. You have 10 modes, so just go down a level. He was on level 3 or 4, dropped down to the previous mode, and had zero complaints after that.
In addition the curvy shape is a really good idea. On their shop, they claim it’s designed to improve hand grip, but we ALL know that having a curvy, long handle isn’t just for that. You could totally use it as an insertable object for the V. It isn’t huge, so if you can handle any of the other toys we’ve talked about on this site, you could definitely devour this one.
https://www.freepik.com/author/macrovector
We are going to have a detective moment, okay? The f***, I’m talking to myself. Well, let’s investigate the clues we have: Magnetic charger… +1 for Gryffindor… interesting… ummmm… magnetic charger… I don’t get why I’m doing this whole investigation bit instead of just saying it’s waterproof but not submarine-proof (Don’t fully submerge pending long periods). Did you get it? It was a good pun. Like the anime, One PUN Man. I’m the master of jokes. I’m the Joker.
https://www.freepik.com/author/catalyststuff
Okay, I apologize for the part of my brain that just went on vacation. Let’s continue without puns or jokes. As I said, it is waterproof. You can use it in the shower, which is a great option for having a better time alone.
https://www.freepik.com/author/user18526052
This isn’t a sneaky toy , my partner suggested that if the toy was less noisy would be better .
Final Conclusion
It’s a very good product overall, but maybe I’m a bit of a picky eater with these things. I absolutely hate what I call «floating silicone.» You know what I mean? When the silicone isn’t a solid, compact block wrapping the inner mechanism, but just a loose sleeve with an air gap underneath. I don’t like pressing somewhere on the toy and feeling my finger sink into a hollow, deep hole. I need these toys to feel as protected, compact, and solid as a block of ice.
https://www.freepik.com/author/freepik
On top of that, there is something else regarding the waterproof claim. It felt awesome for my partner, but I’m not entirely sure the metal and non-metal parts will stay glued together over time. The silicone is very high quality, and I want to believe the metal is too, but that joint makes me a bit skeptical.
If we had to give it a rating, it would be an 8 / 10 (with 1 being absolute trash and 10 being the ideal, perfect toy). From my point of view, it should definitely be cheaper if they want to compete with other brands. We loved the product, but honestly, I highly recommend grabbing it only when it goes on sale. At the end of the day, balancing accessibility, price, and quality is key. This brand offers really good quality, but they still have some room for improvement.
https://www.freepik.com/author/freepik
In addition huge thanks to Mythtoys for sending this product over. You asked me to be completely honest, and here is my honest take: it is a good product despite of the bad things but they need to think outside the box a little bit more.
They have some really cool designs (like the AirPods one!), but if you don’t reinvent the wheel, you’ll just blend in with all the other brands out there. That’s my review and my two cents.
We love making this post and review , also they treated us like absolut kings we can’t say anything more that we didn’t say before on this review .
Also, a quick note: while I was writing this post, the brand reached out to let me know that the specific unit they sent me was actually a bit more powerful than intended. I have to say, that shows they really care about their clients and listen to feedback.
Listen here, future non-hunters. I don’t think the Hunter’s Guild will approve this post, and neither do I. I don’t think anyone has ever played this game and said, «Damn, that Brachydios is flirting with me,» or «Pls Bulldrome, make me yours»… butttttt….. I can’t defend this point of view anymore, srry.
Anyways, a couple of days ago I asked the Bad Dragon community why there aren’t toys from this saga. I’ve seen references to Jurassic Park, Alien, Star Wars, and we even did a Resident Evil list. I’ve seen a lot of fantasy ideas, but Monster Hunter? No one. Well, some Reddit user commented to tell me that a maker called XenoCat actually made a color pattern for each mob (Monster) –> Monster Inbound .
However , let’s show our contestants…!!! (Cue «Proof of a Hero») We will need backups, there is more than 1 Elder Dragon here. Be ready, eat at the canteen, and let’s forge some boots.
Despite this monster isn’t the favorite of many people, but being the premium cousin of Radobaan is always a good point. However, this is not a hard choice: look at Radobaan’s house and then look at that shiny armor. Jhora the World Eater was the winner for the auditions
Our shiny knight
Green Flags: this «little guy» is perfect for making toys out of. First, he can make you sleepy, which is a very good point (sleeping after climax gets a solid 10/10 on HunterAdvisor). And second, due to the heat inside of him, he can warm up your…. well, you know, this isn’t a lore wiki.
We can think of lore ideas where these toys are made from the spikes on his back, or maybe you are just a little pervert who wants to make out with a giant fantasy animal that is highly likely to end up killing you. But that won’t scare you at all. A gold dildo is like the premium of premiums, just think twice.
Imagine fusing a skinless werewolf with an eel. Well, we have the ADHD monster that is an Odogaron. Lethal and fast as an eel, you choose which one you are going to fight: the dragon element (Ebony) or the normal type.
This is just a psycho with a massive bloodthirst doing acrobatics that might impress you on your first date. But after the hemorrhage… I actually think some of you would still love to have another date with him.
https://monsterhunternow.com/es/monsters/odogaron
Look at those claws and that mouth; for sure he is going to bite with true passion. Maybe you lose your shoulder… I’m not going to compare having a ravishing passion to losing a shoulder. I love my shoulders.
Oh, look at that… maybe losing a shoulder wouldn’t be that bad, right??? I mean, he isn’t so big… Maybe if I give him some raw meat he would change his mind??? I dunno.
The ego of an emperor and the cruelty of the Queen of Hearts comes Kulve Taroth, fully dressed in the purest gold. A total Diva. Those horns never came with innocent intentions. With her dark skin and the impossibility of killing such a Queen, we can only toe the line with the leftovers of her clothes: that Aureus cloak.
The other day we saw some of the power of the dragon. At least it was a shiny replica (Wandering Bard Toy)—I can’t even make out what it would be like having one of the real ones in my hands. As you can see, this is just a replica of the power of a dragon; we definitely couldn’t handle the real size.
Known as the ghost of the taiga, this creature is the ultimate hybrid between an avian and an exotic feline. Does the silhouette sound familiar? Imagine a massive, exotic feline sporting an avian beak and razor-sharp tail feathers.
If we can find human twins born in completely different parts of the world, why can’t we connect creatures with identical ways of hunting? The Alabaster is exactly that: a multiversal twin, a hybrid born from different realities but sharing the same lethal, beautiful nature.
They told us it was a monster. They lied. Our giant kitty cat is innocent and pure, it only wants to give hugs and kisses! 🥺 It was completely demonized by the Hunters, brainwashing us with lies about its ‘ferocity’. I am completely against this anti-wyvern propaganda. Justice for the taiga ghost!
Even his D is a biological marvel, beautiful like a peacock with those feathers! 🦚 He only wants to be pet… and so do you, you f..ing creeps. Dirty minds! You think this was about f..ing monsters?! THIS IS PURE BIOLOGICAL RESEARCH. 🧬
The single idea that I would smash such a beautiful creature is insane… though I wouldn’t mind doing it or letting you do it. They are my precious babies! Maybe we can share before we get executed by the Hunter’s Guild… 🐉💀
Thanks to
Before I get carted, huge thanks to the r/BadDragon community for giving me the research material and showing me the brands making these must-see MH toys. Massive thanks to XenoCat for giving me the green light to expose their beautiful specimens here, and an honorable mention to Wandering Bard Toys—their post on X about the Dragon’s Tail was the catalyst for this whole crazy idea.
I really hope you enjoyed this post! It’s pure chaos, but what is science without a little madness and readers willing to view it? If you enjoyed this biological research, feel free to check out my other posts. To support the cause, drop an upvote or share this with your fellow hunters. If you want to fund my research, you can donate in Educoffee. This content is totally free and ad-free for your reading pleasure. See you at the canteen! 🍖🍻
Yes, I have ADHD and my new hyperfixation is Resident Evil. I’ve played several of their games this month, and I’m quite sure that some of their mutated creatures might not seem like the best option for conventionally attractive toys. But what if that is exactly the point? We have to remember that the most unique Resident Evil fantasy toys are chosen primarily for their incredible, monstrous designs.
If you’ve played Resident Evil 0, you definitely remember the Leech Zombie. A relentless, slimy nightmare made entirely of… well, you know. They were an absolute headache of an enemy. There is something uniquely terrifying about a slippery opponent that just absorbs your bullets, leaving you feeling completely helpless
Enter The Ovistem by Xenocat Artifacts. It was love at first sight. I was actively searching for a product that captured the eerie vibe of those bio-organic enemies, and this toy is simply unforgettable. (I’ll drop an image of the RE0 Leech Zombie below for those who luckily blocked that trauma from their memory).
Let’s be honest: glowing in the dark and laying eggs inside people might not be the traditional way to make friends, but in the realm of monster fantasy… it’s a masterpiece.»
Yeah, we know the name is a cheeky wink to a certain black-suited, tongue-wielding antihero—whose cinematic universe has seen quite the decline lately thanks to some ‘unexpected’ box office choices… But let’s focus on the real survival horror.
In the Resident Evil universe, these mutant creatures were human once upon a time, now reduced to the gruesome result of a second metamorphosis caused by the T-Virus. We’ve always been terrified of how menacing those razor-sharp tongues look in the games, but what if we switched places? Oh wait, I didn’t say anything…
Have you ever wondered what a ‘butt kiss’ from a Licker feels like? Well, now you can find out. Just make sure you take the necessary precautions to survive the encounter.
your next partner
And remember the golden rule of surviving the Raccoon City Police Department: Don’t be too loud. We don’t want to attract more than one… though I’m not here to judge if you think you can take four of them at the same time.
Disclaimer: The Resident Evil world is pretty fucked up, but getting intimate with a Licker is basically the new B.O.W. Tinder.
If you have a good memory for traumatic events, you definitely haven’t forgotten the sheer panic of being incubated by a mutant insect (drain demoss)—or whatever the hell that gross shit was from resident Evil 3. Think you could handle more than that? Are you sure? Because you never really know what’s waiting in the dark.
What could possibly be worse, you ask? Well, imagine exploring a dark cave and suddenly realizing you are entirely surrounded by a single massive centipede… and it wants to get very, very intimate with your mouth.
Still think it couldn’t get worse? Allow me to introduce you to Imago. Imago isn’t just a big bug. Imago is a massive, T-Veronica style centipede-dragon that lives in volcanic exhaust tunnels and is completely resistant to fire . Great now the cockroaches tanks fire . Imago 1 , Helldivers 0 . «Quien tenga miedo a morir que no nazca » .
If there’s one thing Resident Evil taught us, it’s that gardening in a secret laboratory is a terrible, terrible idea. We’ve all been there: running through the hallways of the Spencer Mansion (the grenade launche was my best friend , I didn’t discovered there was another way) or the NEST labs, praying that the giant, mutated vines hanging from the ceiling wouldn’t turn our heads into a salad. Whether it was the Plant 42 or those acid-spitting Ivy freaks, we learned the hard way that ‘organic’ usually means ‘it wants to eat you.’
But what if you could take a piece of that botanical nightmare home? Without the whole ‘dissolving your skin with enzymes’ part?
This isn’t your grandma’s tulip. Looking at it, you can almost hear the wet, squelching sound of a T-Virus mutation in full bloom. It has that eerie, organic shape—half-alien seed, half-mutated organ—that looks like it was plucked straight from the humid corridors of a contaminated greenhouse.
As Ian Malcolm famously said in Jurassic Park: ‘Life finds a way.’ And if you don’t believe me, give this plant a try. Just remember: unlike the green herbs in the game, this bulb won’t heal your wounds… but it will certainly make you forget them. Are you ready to let it take root?
Let’s be honest: we all know that ‘Las Plagas’ from Resident Evil 4 couldn’t possibly be from this planet. The idea of ancient, fossilized parasites that take absolute control and form a perfect symbiosis with their hosts screams extraterrestrial origin. It’s entirely plausible that the Plaga originally arrived on Earth via a meteorite, evolving in the dark over millennia.
But what if we finally found the source? The original cosmic strain?
Phobos is a fallen star seed that crashed into a remote swampland, taking root and infesting the entire crash site. Unlike the parasites we dealt with in rural Spain, this mutated specimen is completely blind. Its ‘toy’ form is based entirely on its tendrils—each appendage is packed with sensitive nodes that act as its eyes and taste buds, exploring every inch of you.
But here is where the true symbiosis begins: its central body emits a potent hallucinogenic substance designed to relax your muscles and pull you into a distorted, euphoric state for up to two hours. Its only goal is to bond with new species, share experiences through a deep mind-link, and ensure its uniquely beautiful survival.
Are you ready to make first contact and let the parasite take control?
Well, there you have it. If you love Resident Evil as much as I do, you’ll understand why this recent hyperfixation of mine completely took over. I’ve always loved rating the sheer creativity behind the designs of these toys.
Thanks to:
A massive shoutout to Xenocatfor helping us make this post happen—they craft absolute monstrosities (in the best way possible).
Also, a quick reminder: this content is completely free and ad-free. I’d much rather give you a clean, immersive experience than ruin the vibe just to earn a few pennies. If you’d like to help me pay for the website’s hosting, there’s a donation button around here somewhere. But honestly? I value interaction way more. I’d rather connect and talk with fellow freaks like me.
Leave a comment, share your favorite B.O.W., and let’s freak out. See you soon!
We know you love bringing dirty toys to the airports so we discussed and investigated looking up for keeping up your dignity and pleasure . It also works with parents but don’t tell them .
We know many of you still living with your parents and even with roommates , well this wouldn’t be something to worry after you read this top discretion agent 07 .
You read that correctly. We know many of you lose your minds dealing with the daily commute on the bus or just trying to survive the stress of being at home. Well, MythToys took advantage of this, completely solving a problem you didn’t even know you had.
Say hello to ‘The Pod’. This smart sonic sucker is the perfect option for those who want something ultra-portable that blends seamlessly into your purse, backpack, or nightstand. It’s the ultimate sneaky toy, making sure your favorite stress-relief device is available whenever you need to «tune out the world» for a few minutes.
Just a quick warning: no matter how much it looks like next-generation high-end tech… please don’t try to connect it to Spotify, and definitely don’t stick it in your ear. It goes somewhere else.
(And hey, if you want to upgrade your daily commute, you can grab this tech marvel at MythToys. Use the code SENSA10 for a 10% discount. Cheaper than actual AirPods, and way more fun).
We are about to save your anniversary. Stop panicking and think about it for five seconds: is there anything more deeply romantic than literally giving your partner your heart?
Enter another genius portable toy from our friends and blog collaborators at Funzze. They have already surprised us with some of their previous products, but they did it again. They’ve created a tiny, pocket-sized heart that looks so innocent, even the most standard cis guy wouldn’t mind carrying it on his keychain.
But for those who haven’t caught on yet: this is a clitoral suction toy. It’s designed to suck your blood—sorry, I mean, suck the soul right out of your body in the best way possible.
This is your true pumping moment. We are 100% sure that after using this, your partner will be hitting those high notes from the OG song: What is loooveee… baby don’t hurt me… ***
Hailing from the desolate depths of the ancient Crystal Peak mines—where a tiny, silent Knight once fought against crushing loneliness and the radiant orange infection of his society—comes this mesmerizing artifact.
Just like the shimmering, hypnotic veins that lined those infected mines, this shard reacts intensely to UV light. Bathe it in blacklight, and it pulses with a captivating, radioactive glow, as if infused with the very soul of the crystals. No super-dash required to harness this power; just get ready for a radiant experience that will light up your own dark corners. Conquering your loneliness has never looked so brilliant.
Now, here is the golden rule if you ever show this glowing masterpiece to anyone. If they are fans of the Hollow Knight saga and they ask you about it, give them a knowing nod and confirm it’s a direct tribute to the game.
But for those who don’t know anything about the game? Look them dead in the eye and tell them it’s a highly volatile, unrefined gem sourced straight from a classified African mine. Disclaimer : We do not support imperialism .
Picture this: It’s the peak of New Year’s Eve, the fireworks are going off, and you’ve just won the Formula 1 World Championship. Congratulations, champion. As a reward for your glorious victory, you are gifted an exclusive, mysterious bottle of vintage called Du Champagne Sur Les Fesses.
Being the rich, sophisticated, and incredibly wise person you are, you don’t just pop it right away. You hide this masterpiece in the darkest, most secure corner of your closet, reserving it for a truly monumental occasion.
Fast forward to your wedding night. The ultimate special occasion. But as you grab the bottle and try to open it, reality hits you. You try to pop the cork, only to realize there is no cork. Just a surprisingly wide, suction-cup base.
You look at the bottle. Then you look at the label ‘Sur Les Fesses’ (literally: On the Ass). Then you look at your partner, who is smiling wickedly. Suddenly, you understand why they kept it hidden in the dark all this time… and you realize exactly how you two are going to celebrate tonight. And spoiler alert: it doesn’t involve drinking glasses.
THE END
I’m incredibly happy to announce that after a lot of hard work behind the scenes, we’ve officially landed our very first affiliate code!
Using this code not only guarantees you a sweet discount on your new «stealth tech», but it directly helps fund this website. Don’t worry, our vibe isn’t changing. We will continue working with high-quality brands to bring you the exact same brutally honest, comedic content you’re used to.
If you had a good laugh today and want to support the blog even further, you can click on my Educoffee and literally buy me a coffee to keep the engine running.
What did you think of today’s list? What other wild topics or weird gadgets would you love to see me review next? Drop all your ideas in the comments below. Stay stealthy! 🤫😮💨
We’ve all seen it. That iconic, hilarious, and slightly cringeworthy scene from Scary Movie where Doofy takes his «love» for his vacuum cleaner a bit too far. While the movie played it for laughs, it actually touched on a practice that has since exploded in the world of sexual wellness: Vacuum Play.
If you’ve ever been curious about why suction-based pleasure is such a game-changer, or if you’re looking to level up your solo sessions, you’re in the right place. Today, we’re breaking down the science, the sensations, and the safe way to explore this intense form of stimulation.
What Exactly is Vacuum Play?
In simple terms, vacuum play involves using negative pressure to stimulate the genitals. Unlike traditional masturbation, which relies on friction (the back-and-forth rubbing of hands or toys), vacuum play uses suction to «pull» on the tissue.
This creates an all-encompassing sensation that surrounds the nerves, making it a favorite for people of all genders looking for a «fuller» and more consistent experience.
6 Reasons Why Vacuum Play is More Intense Than «Gooning»
Many enthusiasts describe vacuum-based pleasure as more satisfying and «complete» than traditional manual stimulation or long-term gooning sessions. Here is why:
1. Consistent and Uniform Stimulation
Unlike a hand, which can vary in grip, speed, and angle, a vacuum device provides steady, even pressure. This constant engagement reaches both superficial and deeper nerve endings simultaneously, creating a sensation of «fullness» that is physically impossible to achieve manually.
2. The Unique «Hugging» Sensation
The defining feature of this practice is the suction effect. By creating negative pressure, the device gently pulls on the tissue, creating a persistent tug. Users often describe it as being «hugged from the inside out.» It activates internal nerve pathways that touch alone simply cannot reach.
https://www.freepik.com/author/gstudioimagen
3. Increased Blood Flow (Vascularization)
The vacuum effect draws blood to the surface of the skin. This leads to increased sensitivity and a temporary swelling of the tissues, making every micro-sensation feel magnified. In this state, your body becomes hyper-responsive to even the slightest change in pressure.
https://www.freepik.com/author/freepik
4. Precision Control and Intensity
Modern vacuum devices allow you to fine-tune the suction levels. You can start with a whisper-light tug and build up to an intense, thumping climax. This level of customization ensures that every session feels fresh and tailored to your current mood.
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5. The Psychological Edge
Pleasure is as much mental as it is physical. Introducing a novel tool like a vacuum device breaks the routine and triggers the brain’s reward system. The novelty, paired with the intense physical feedback, keeps you «in the zone» and can lead to more powerful orgasms.
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6. Anatomical Benefits
For those with a penis: It mimics a deep, continuous «throating» or penetration-like sensation, stimulating the glans and shaft in ways a hand cannot.
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For those with a vulva: «Air-pulse» technology has revolutionized pleasure by stimulating the clitoris without direct, painful friction, allowing for multiple, rapid-fire orgasms.
⚠️ Safety First: Don’t Be a «Doofy»
We have to be real for a second: Never use a household vacuum cleaner. While the movie was funny, the real-life consequences of using a carpet cleaner on your body are no joke.
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CRITICAL SAFETY NOTE: Household vacuums have high-torque motors, jagged internal parts, and zero safety valves. Using one can cause severe hematomas (burst blood vessels), skin tearing, and long-term nerve damage. Plus, they are full of bacteria and dust—definitely not something you want near your most sensitive areas.
How to Practice Safely:
Use Dedicated Devices: Invest in high-quality, body-safe pumps or suction toys. They are designed with safety release valves and medical-grade materials.
Lube is Your Best Friend: Always use a water-based lubricant to create a proper seal and protect your skin from irritation.
The 15-Minute Rule: Avoid prolonged suction sessions. Start slow, and if you notice any pain or dark bruising, release the pressure immediately.
Conclusion: Is Vacuum Play Right for You?
If you are looking for a sensation that is consistent, intense, and different from anything you can do with your hands, Vacuum Play is a must-try. It’s a safe and exciting way to explore your body’s limits and discover new peaks of pleasure.
In our upcoming posts, we’ll be reviewing some of the top-rated suction devices on the market to help you find your perfect match.
Have you ever tried a suction-based toy? Are you curious about the difference between air-pulse tech and traditional pumps? Let us know in the comments below!
Have you ever thought about how, in a D&D game, what type of magic you’d need to tame drakes, kobolds, goblins, etc…? As we know, if I kept listing all the living creatures my spell could affect, it would never end. 😅
We are going to be in a normal bard’s bag: a lyre, flute, trumpet, drums, tambourines… and some sticky toys at the very bottom. Next to the toys… a Bible? We simply don’t ask. 😏
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After this long intro, I want to talk about my ideal kit for taming & training for allure and seduction—even of the evil monsters. 🪄
This is a classic in fantasy (and non-fantasy) worlds. Is there anything more badass than feeling strong power inside you? 💥
Remember, this is part of our training kit. 10/10 if you want to train your width and maybe learn some cantrips. We don’t know where it came from, but with this, our bard is always in a good mood. 😎
Yes, I’m talking in third person… I’m too shy to admit I love magic fisting with a magic hand 😏. Magic powers and magic pleasure combined—did I say it’s magical? 🔮
I was thinking… why does the crew always hate the bard for having “great ideas”? But I’ve never seen a rogue relaxing a barbarian in berserk mode. How do you convince someone whose gray matter is equivalent to a peanut? 🤯
This is why, if you want a bard from challenger level instead of silver, you have to train your reflexes and parries. And yes… I made a mold of his “sword” just in case he lost it 😈
Don’t get me wrong, this is the real deal. It’s said to amplify your magical power—about the equivalent of a rabbit leg 🐇. I hoped for luck, and apparently, it works. 🍀
You might expect a long story about demons attacking us, succubi, and incubus… but the truth is simpler. A shadow demon crashed into a tree the night before and died next to a rat it tried to… well, let’s just say the dice rolled a 1. 🎲 LACK OF SEX
At first, my racist crew didn’t even know what a Firbolg was 😅. They are like humanoid cows fused with a handsome troll 🐮🧌. I really loved them when I first met them, but we disagreed on many things. They loved nature, but I needed a lyre made of their sacred tree… so I chose wisely. 🌳
Let’s just say some magic happened, and I got very close to one of my new companions. A very good boy, inside and out 😏❤️
Breaking up with someone you used to love isn’t fair, and it’s very hard—at least that’s what my old lovers said. 💔
Thanks to wardering bard toys for this incredible desingns based in what anyone could have during a D&D campaing. Love you all hope you still playing as a OTP Bard . See you soon !!!!!.
This week, we received a special gift from Funzze: a P-spot massager for review. I will provide a fully honest evaluation, including both green flags and red flags, while sharing my personal experience in detail.
Overview & How It Works 🤔
The main goal of this toy is prostate (P-spot) stimulation, which has far more potential than many realize.
Unlike many toys in this category that simply vibrate in place, the Funzze P-Spot Massagerfeatures a thrusting movement. Initially, this motion may feel unusual, but after getting used to it, it provides a comfortable and highly pleasurable experience.
The combination of thrusting and vibration stimulates both the P-spot and the perineum, resulting in a deeper, more intense sensation. This is a noticeable difference compared to other toys I’ve tried, which often only offer vibration or a static design.
Receiving the Package 📦
While I was excited to receive the toy, the delivery process was somewhat frustrating. The product arrived three weeks after ordering; however, after contacting Funzze, it arrived the next day. Despite this delay, the package was well-protected and arrived in good condition.
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Unboxing 🎁
The massager comes in a small branded box. Inside, I found:
A magnetic charger, confirming that the toy is waterproof
A small storage bag, perfect for hygiene and portability
The massager itself, which was larger than I initially expected
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The packaging is simple and discreet, but functional, making it suitable for storage or travel.
First Use & Preparation 🫢
I decided to try the toy last Friday, when I had some time alone. After taking a shower and preparing a clean space, I applied X-Lube from my Breedr bottle (I mixed the leftover Breedr lube with X-Lube). This combination worked perfectly, ensuring smooth and comfortable insertion.
Using the toy for the first time, I focused on understanding the thrusting movement and the vibration patterns, experimenting with speed and intensity.
3d audio soundwave. White music pulse oscillation. Glowing impulse pattern.
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Feelings & Performance
The toy provided a very positive experience:
Texture & insertion: The massager is smooth, making initial insertion effortless
Thrusting movement: Pleasant and pain-free. While I would have preferred a tip more focused on the P-spot, this is a minor detail and largely a personal preference
Stimulation: The combination of thrusting and vibration created a strong, enjoyable pressure, especially during orgasm
Comparison to other toys: I can confidently say this is one of my favorite toys. While my fisting toys require training and preparation, this massager provides immediate satisfaction without extra effort
Water -based lube made a slippery unforgetable experience and comfortable throughout the session.
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Despite of the expectatives the toy features 8 different types of vibrations and thrusting movements, which can be combined freely for a total of 64 unique mode combinations. This allows you to finely control your experience and find the perfect mode for your preference.
Discretion & Usability
Noise: The massager isn’t completely silent. Small sounds may be noticeable if others are nearby, though it is not excessively loud
Design & flexibility: The straight shape is necessary for the thrusting mechanism, but it limits mobility. Using the toy while sitting, walking, or multitasking may cause minor discomfort
Comfort: Overall, the sensations were never painful, just a subtle internal pressure during use
Despite minor limitations, the toy is highly usable and comfortable for most solo or partnered sessions. The perfect multitask buddy for those busy and boring days.
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Remote Control
The remote control is one of the toy’s standout features:
Works up to 26 ft (7,92m), making it suitable for solo play or partner use
Two buttons:
Perineum vibration, stimulating the line connecting the testicles to the butt with 8 different vibrations.
Thrusting speed control, allowing you to adjust the pace according to preference . Between 8 types of movement.
The remote makes this toy perfect for a partner session, a discreet gift, or simply exploring different settings without interrupting play.
Pros & Cons
✅ Green Flags:
Smooth and comfortable texture
Unique thrusting mechanism
Strong stimulation for both P-spot and perineum
Waterproof and easy to clean
Remote control with good range
🚩Red Flags:
Slight noise during use
Straight and rigid design limits mobility
Tip could be more focused on the P-spot
My experience
My experience with this product was very good despite the minor cons.
This isn’t a toy that will instantly take you to mind-blowing orgasms; preparation matters. Cleaning yourself properly and approaching play with confidence is key. Think of your hole as a door—the toy becomes your battering ram.
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For beginners, understanding hygiene and pacing is crucial. This toy is ideal if you have a private bedroom and want to avoid noise, and in my experience, its performance justifies its price. Compared to other toys at similar prices in Spain, this one delivers better quality and satisfaction
Conclusion
The Funzze P-Spot Massager exceeded my expectations. It combines thrusting and vibration effectively, delivers strong prostate stimulation, and is enjoyable both solo and with a partner.
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Despite minor drawbacks like slight noise and a rigid design, this is a high-quality, functional, and satisfying toy. I would recommend it to anyone exploring prostate stimulation, especially those looking for a toy that’s immediately enjoyable and easy to use.
The toy also comes with a small storage bag, which your personal hygiene will thank you for.
I really hope you enjoyed this review as much as we enjoyed “playing” with this toy 😏. We aren’t paid for these reviews, so everything here is honest and personal.
This is just me and my partner having fun while sharing our experiences—and helping you make informed choices. Everything is free for you, but if you’d like to support us and help us get more toys to test, a small donation would be amazing. Every bit helps us keep bringing honest, hands-on reviews—and of course, more fun!
Big thanks to Funzze for trusting us with their products.
We’ve all heard about chastity—the tiny cages where all of your “sins” are kept locked away. But did you know that many people actually love the feeling of being controlled, dominated, and teased?
It’s fascinating how something originally linked to purity and self-control has evolved into a sex practice, both in private and within relationships. For some, chastity has even become a lifestyle. And the best part? It’s genderless, so anyone can explore it whenever the idea appeals.
Chastity vs. “Chastity”
Sure, many of us have watched those guru videos about chastity as a virtue—a test between you and your future spouse, often in absurdly luxurious settings. Reality check: those are often scams. They’re not about self-control or intimacy—they’re about money. Life is better enjoyed with a healthy balance of pleasure and self-care, not overhyped challenges.
Empty white bird cage
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The type of chastity I’m talking about is the one that has exploded online, the one that makes your sex life spicier with less actual sex. It’s about mind control, anticipation, and teasing—and it can be surprisingly intense.
How modern chastity works
At its core, chastity is about adding a twist to sexual experiences. Encaging your genitals and giving control to your partner—including whether you get to orgasm—can be incredibly arousing. But it doesn’t stop there: this little shift opens up creativity in pleasure, letting you focus on areas you might normally overlook—nipples, P-spot, testicles, or even your whole body.
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It’s not just about denial—it’s about expanding your sensory experience and exploring new dimensions of intimacy and control.
Give them the keys
Here, your partner takes the lead, and you step into the role of their willing “prisoner.” This practice requires complete trust, so it’s essential to have a thorough conversation beforehand about your expectations, limits, and the structure of this experience.
Chastity in this context is more than physical restraint—it’s a mental and emotional game. You’ll develop empathy, self-control, and communication skills, because there will be moments when you can’t speak, and your partner will need to read your mind through facial expressions and subtle cues.
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Handing over the keys is an act of trust and intimacy, showing that you can fully surrender your body—and your desires—into your partner’s hands. Make sure to discuss:
Duration: How long will the chastity period last?
Boundaries: Where and when will it be enforced?
Consent: Are both of you fully comfortable and committed?
This is a shared journey, and its success depends on mutual respect, communication, and trust.
What is going on inside of their ….. ?
Inside the cage, your body becomes a playground of pleasure and frustration, every touch and brush sending sparks through your nerves. The confinement amplifies every movement, making even the smallest shift feel electric.
Powerful electrical discharge hitting from side to side realistic vector illustration isolated on black transparent background. Blazing lightning strike in darkness. Electric energy flash light effect
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Your partner holds the power, guiding every motion, teasing, pressing, controlling the rhythm and intensity. You never know when a wave of sensation will hit or fade, leaving you hungry, frustrated, and craving more.
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Chastity doesn’t let desire fade—it builds anticipation, stretches it, teases it to the limit. Every touch feels sharper, every signal more intense, and the uncertainty of what comes next keeps your mind spinning.
By the end, your body may be restrained, but your mind is alive, on fire, and craving the next moment.
Final Bonus
Chastity is more than just physical restraint—it’s a game of anticipation, control, and psychological intensity. When paired with BDSM and role play, whether as a submissive bottom or a dominant top, every touch, tease, and command becomes electrifying.
Adding practices like pegging or edging takes it further, turning frustration into heightened pleasure. Each wave of denied release sharpens your senses, making every brush of skin, every subtle movement, and every command feel charged with tension.
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The thrill isn’t just about erections—it’s about surrender, trust, and anticipation. In chastity, every moment of restraint becomes part of the pleasure, and the journey itself is the ultimate reward, keeping desire alive, intense, and irresistible.
If you think chastity is your multiple-choice topping or just an exciting addition to your nights of love and daily routine, I want to hear from you. Share your thoughts, experiences, or curiosities, and let’s dive into this thrilling world together. See you soon!
